Originally I thought to
incorporate bailing wire into the title and content of this little rant but
after thinking about it I realized there are far more applications for duct
tape so that’s what we’ll work with today.
Please take the following comments with a grain of salt but if the shoe
fits then don’t be surprised when someone applies some of the tips contained herein
to your person. Having said that, I do
not condone assault and battery, or any other related crime against another
person, regardless of their level of stupidity.
In cases where another person’s stupidity begins to raise your blood
pressure to the point of causing a “fight” reaction, simply remember that
Darwinism will inevitably rectify the nuisance and you can maintain your good
karma.
So, on with the topic for today:
battling a drama queen with tools as simple as duct tape and a tire iron.
Recognize a drama queen
Whether it’s your favorite
hangout, place of work, or even your home, there are those out there who will
pollute the environment and even your personal space with drama. To most of us it is important to maintain a
drama free zone. Before we go further let’s
understand what we mean by drama.
a. A prose or verse composition, especially one telling a
serious story, that is intended for representation by actors impersonating the
characters and performing the dialogue and action.
b. A serious narrative work or program for television,
radio, or the cinema.
c. A situation or succession of events in real life
having the dramatic progression or emotional effect characteristic of a play
That’s not what we’re talking about here though in
some aspects it may be close, particularly with part c. In fact the definition we’re focusing on
today is much simpler and offers far less return on investment. Hey, I like a good play as much as the next
guy.
·
A constant source
of interpersonal conflict.
The trouble with people who are the source of this
interpersonal conflict is they see nothing wrong with their behavior and often
feel that they are the victim in any given scenario, which in itself lends to
even more dramatic effect. There are
simple character traits that go along with a “Drama Queen” but first, let’s be
clear that the inference made by the usage of “Queen” in no way limits this to
the female gender because there are ample supplies of men out there who are
even more over the top with their drama.
All that is really required of a Drama Queen is that they be any combination
of the following:
Ignorant or indifferent to the environment
and people around them
Disillusioned to the more significant
challenges a person or group may face in life
Manipulative
Tactless
Inappropriate or Offensive in social
settings
Self indulgent
Corrupt or dishonest in their delivery
A gossip
By themselves these traits do not necessarily make a
drama queen but they are the building blocks that can transform your average
turd into a big pain in your ass.
Eventually they can affect you and those around you. Like a turd, their smell will eventually stick
unless you take steps to mitigate their presence, though I suggest you remove
them all together.
Some
Examples
We alluded to scenarios and environments where you
might find these parasites and the truth is they are everywhere and can afflict
anyone. Here are a few examples to
highlight our template for identifying a drama queen and the places you may
find them.
1. Bill really likes Jane and wants to go out
with her. After all, Jane is smoking hot
and though Bill’s not the ugly duckling in this story he is new in town. Bill eventually asks Jane out and date one leads to
more dates. At first everything’s cool
and Bill is feeling good about this blossoming romance. He eventually begins to meet Jane’s friends
and her family. He notes that of Jane’s
four children, each has a different father, which may or may not warrant a
closer look. However, as Bill later
notes, each of these “fathers” is either in jail, spent significant time in
jail or has been the subject of a significant investigation at the federal
level. Bill also hears Jane’s stories of
woe and perseverance, with Jane being the central figure and heroine. Bill notes that the children are on various
paths to self destruction and further deduces that the parenting skills Jane
employs are something more akin to advice teens may give one another than
something you’d expect from an adult.
Bill further discovers that more family members are or have been
implicated in crime and other less savory behavior. Jane eventually begins to tell Bill tales to
incite jealousy and subtlety suggests Bill do something about it. She also begins to suggest Bill get involved
to right wrongs done to other family members and that given the nature of the
perpetrators, less than legal means may be necessary. Bill decides to run.
(Bill should have run long before it got to that point
however a simple application of duct tape over Jane’s mouth when she started
trying to implicate him into her drama would have ended the conversation. Bill could have then armed himself with the
tire-iron in the event Jane sent one of the ex-cons after him)
2. Jessica is dating Dan on and off. The problem with Dan is he’s still very
bitter about his three year-old divorce, specifically the divorcee who has
custody of their two kids. Dan
constantly decries wrong-doing to Jessica about his ex-wife and how the ex’s
comments are hurtful and meant to divide him from the children. He complains that during the 10 years they
were married she emasculated him with her emotional abuse. Later when Jessica is in the middle of
explaining to Dan about a personal family tragedy (uncle died in an accident),
Dan starts complaining about the ex and an argument they had the night
before. “Hello” - Jessica is about to go
home to bury her uncle. Eventually
Jessica decides Dan is a bit self-absorbed and a little more than neurotic
about the ex so she creates some distance.
A week later Dan realizes his error and attempts to make amends and
offers to take Jessica to dinner the following Monday. Jessica wants to know why Monday and Dan
explains that he is going away for the weekend and after Jessica drills down
into the typical questions she discovers Dan’s going to link up for the weekend
with a former girlfriend. Jessica
politely declines the dinner invitation.
(Jessica waited a little longer than was
necessary. Though she thought Dan had
potential, his being consumed with an ex and the one-sided portrayal of
victimization should have sent a clear message.
She could have duct-taped Dan’s hands to a piece of furniture and smacked
him in the testicles with the tire iron for being a selfish Nancy in her time
of need. She then could have struck a
firm blow to Dan’s jaw for thinking dinner would be okay after his ridiculous
trip to the ex-girlfriend’s.)
3. Jeff walks into his new office to meet the
staff. Everyone seems friendly though
he’s already gotten warnings about Samantha from upper management regarding
some of her personal exploits with folks in the office. Samantha is married with one child however,
she spends most evenings at a local bar with “friends” from accounting. The problem has gotten so out of control that
most of the team feel Samantha is untouchable and rumor has it she actually
trades “favors” with managers for choice assignments. Over the next few days Jeff makes it a point
to talk to each employee about his expectations as the new team lead for the
department. Finally Samantha’s turn
comes and Jeff invites her in to take a seat on the other side of the
desk. As she sits Jeff notes her ogling
at him, batting eyes, licking lips…the works.
Jeff walks out of the office and makes a general announcement that he is
there to work not befriend or date his team members.
(Jeff should simply duct tape Samantha’s legs
together, her mouth shut and use the tire iron to threaten the janitor if he
doesn’t remove her with the rest of the rubbish.)
Let’s face it, these people are everywhere and while
some encounters are less “dramatic” you see them every day. Think about the latest water-cooler
discussion concerning a beef stemming from a coworker who took a professional
disagreement as a personal affront and is actively engaged in character
assassination on the other party or even worse, made more significant, untrue
accusations against the person. Most of
you probably also know the guy who’s dating a girl who seems bent on crushing
his soul because every time things seem to be going well she’s breaking up with
him because of a bad day that led to her suddenly being confused about their
relationship. Funny thing is just when
he starts coming to grips with being a bachelor she’s knocking on the door
again with a backhanded apology because it couldn’t possibly be her issue; “I’m
sorry I’m such a jerk but it’s your fault”
Best
Practices in Removal
Probably the simplest method of removal and least
costly to you is to simply ignore them.
Yes, let them walk right on by from the very first moment you see them
and pay them no mind whatsoever, ever.
It is because of their very nature they will gravitate to a listening
audience, particularly one that engages their nonsensical discussion and
behavior. Keep in mind those “red flags”
your conscience constantly waves in front of your face and heed them.
It’s not always easy or possible because when you’re
talking about work you can’t simply quit if the drama queen is persistent. Sometimes even when you ignore them they take
offense and you’re suddenly wearing a target on your back. In these cases you must stand your ground and
act immediately and decisively, it’s time to get out your duct tape and tire
iron.
For the gossiper, hate spreader, rumor currier I would
suggest duct taping the mouth, really.
Imagine the reaction from the folks in the office when Harriet Hate
Monger starts yapping away at the water cooler to you about how Mike is looting
the coffers, has a mistress, shot a priest, etc. and you react by pulling out
your duct tape and wrapping it around her mouth a few times…and a few more for
good measure. Sure, you may face some
charges but there will be no doubt in anyone’s mind that you don’t appreciate
gossip. Not only will Harriet never
speak to you again (unless she’s testifying), none of the other drama queens in
the office will dare approach you. If
Harriet is a Harry, simply replace the duct tape with the tire iron and break
his lower jaw in several places. You’ll
have a few months reprieve while you sort out your legal affairs and Harry’s
jaw is wired shut. Just think about the
peace and quiet the office will have while he’s convalescing and you’re finishing
up your sentence. Sometimes you have to
take one for the team.
When your friend continues to get beat down by the
love of his life and keeps going back for more, take out the tire iron and
smash his testicles but ensure you get in at least two to three blows so he really
gets the message. Whatever the doctors
can salvage should be placed in a box.
Once that’s done, duct tape the box closed and send the mutilated
testicles to his lover. That’s really
all she wanted to begin with and since he wasn’t using them everything should be
back to a normal balance. Sure, your
friend will be more than a little pissed but think about the message you’re
sending to men everywhere, ‘grow a pair or get them smashed…or simply stay the
hell away from me with your relationship drama.’
The Bottom Line
While we strive to be good people it’s always a good
idea to face the mirror and check yourself out, assess the things that trouble
you and put them in proper perspective.
Think about how you engage the people around you; are you truthful? Are you trying to get an advantage over
someone through dishonest means? Are you
talking about people’s personal business?
Are you engaged in a relationship that offers more bad days than
good? Do you or your partner walk away
from an encounter feeling diminished by the other?
Most of us just want to live our lives drama
free. We want to enjoy quality time with
our families, significant others, friends and co-workers. The world is a rough enough place without
adding other people’s stupid shit to the list of challenges. We seek that haven of home where there is
balance and peace, a refuge if you will, without the madness walking through
the front door.
Despite our best efforts the drama queens are out
there and the best you can do is always be prepared, stock up on duct tape and
pick yourself up a tire iron. Stop by
the Home Depot
or Lowes today and get your kit to create and maintain your
own Drama Free Zone.
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