A few moments for clarity

One of the most important things I think a person can do in a difficult situation is work to pass by the bad in order to find that silver lining.  Deployments are like that in so many aspects.

On one hand there is the 140 hours a week you put into the job.  It takes so much out of you mentally and physically that those rare moments you have to yourself you either try just as hard to make the most of that time by writing or decompressing with some trivial hobby or pass out from exhaustion. 

The professional Tom lives for moments like these, grinding away until the opportunity presents itself to strike a blow on an adversary.  I live for the counterattack and of course the methodical planning and preparation that goes into coaxing an opponent in before dealing the lethal blow.  It was Al Qaeda in Iraq the last time, today it’s the Taliban…again.

Oh, but this blog isn’t about war, or at least not about the day to day business of doing the job.  It is about being a Soldier in a manner of speaking because for me that has been a significant part of my life even after the duty day is done.  I suppose being here, being deployed just magnifies it all the more because there are no alternatives and the quiet time I do have here allows only enough room to think and reflect.

Is the job difficult?  Not really so much difficult as challenging.  What’s difficult are the days leading up to coming to a place like this; the hours with friends and family lost in order to train and prepare, the packing and sorting, and the goodbyes.  The goodbyes are the hardest.

Being a Soldier, for me, has meant many lonely days and nights.  It’s meant drifting apart from the friends and family whose lives are rooted into the fabric of a community with routines and PTAs and all of the other “Americana” norms people enjoy, even rely on.  Sometimes over time I’ve been able to reunite with a lost friend or former colleague and those are almost always good days but it’s rare and something to cherish.

Being a Soldier has meant that I have to travel lighter than most, constantly shedding the material things that most people collect over the years and keeping my things in boxes in anticipation of the next move.  Those things you can always find replacements for in time…mostly.  I keep probably far more these days than I used to but nonetheless deploying means a purge of the non-essentials.

I wonder from time to time what’s wrong with me that I can continue to live from boxes and pass on the chance to place roots in a community.  This deployment has been particularly difficult because in just a mere month I feel like I’ve lost contact with many people I felt were friends.  I’ve gotten a couple of cards, a few packages and a sprinkle of e-mail but each time I deploy there are dozens of people left over I’ll probably not hear from again.

I wonder what’s wrong with me that I’m not depressed about the whole thing.  In fact, I actually feel pretty good when you really get down to it and I suppose some of my older blogs are really the key as to why. 

This difficult situation, like so many we face, has given me an insight regarding those I considered friends.  On one hand there is the collection of friends borne and maintained out of convenience who have seemed to disappear because a deployment is not convenient to a friendship.  Truthfully, I’m glad to have parted ways because it allows me to focus much more on the other group.  That small group who take a minute out of the grind to drop a line or something in the mail to say “hey, you’re not forgotten over there.”  I’ll take one of those people over a hundred of the other.

It’s kind of funny that as I get older I start to find myself more and more wishing to find a place to put down roots and shed this uniform once and for all.  The only thing that concerns me is that for the last 19 and a half years and the growing responsibilities that come with the job has provided these opportunities to clearly see the truth of what matters; the needs versus the wants.

 

So if I park the caravan in one place someday how will I ever see the truth of people and things around me?  No telling I suppose, but for now I’ll just relax for a moment and enjoy some time for peaceful reflection on the people I have in my life.  I am grateful for the opportunity to see them so clearly.